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Pink Brutus Knits
indianapolis, in
usa

www.pinkbrutus.com

Pink Brutus Knits Blog

a way back

courtney spainhower

we went off the grid.  we’ve been busy and troubled (which i’ll be getting to in a moment) but when i logged in to see what the world had been up to during my hiatus, i read this.  then i cried.  holy hell.  i’m a chronic yarn harlot linker, but it’s deserved.  everything i’ve ever felt about my home birth was summed up in that post.  read it.  now.

 

the busy.

part 1

little ones all around.

delving into home pre-school.  mae is an eager learner and i enjoy watching her progress.  learning sight words and doing worksheets, crafts and writing… it’s beautiful.  i’m watching a three year old a few days a week, too and she joins in the learning.  mae will be five next month so i have to be careful to keep each girl on task at her own level.  a welcome challenge.  BUT, seriously, i have no idea how some parents can home school their entire crew.  PROPS to YOU if you are one of those i’m speaking to!  by 9pm i’m wrecked!  

i’m also watching my girlfriend’s two little ones in the evenings so that she can go back to work.  she’s been going through a huge adjustment with her babes and i will be there for her in any way i can.  love. 

so, there are days when i’ll have my two girls, miss whit, and the three extra little ones under my feet. my car has never seemed so small.  sigh.

part 2

work.  i went back to work part-time.  no secret.  but hubs also had to rejoin the work force.  he has triple duty now, working up north three days a week, keeping up with his paint jobs in the evenings, and picking up the babysitting gig on fridays when i’m at the shop.  we’re both very, very tired.  

he has reached the point where he’s recalculating.  maybe he’ll go back to school.  maybe he’ll have a nervous breakdown.  maybe he’ll follow my advice and wait for mae to start kindergarten before turning this family upside down.  maybe he won’t.  we’re working on it.  we’re talking and agreeing and disagreeing.  growing pains.  they really do hurt.

part 3

be a mentor.  really.  i joined HOSTS and now spend monday mornings at alizah’s school mentoring kids who are struggling with reading and comprehension.  i know.  here i am again with too much on my plate and i’ve already eaten.  i’m going to say it’s worth it.  i love my kids to bits and even though they have a knack for grating my nerves and acting like complete lunatics i wouldn’t trade a moment i’ve shared with them.  i fear not all kids are loved so deeply or, i guess their parents don’t have the patience to show them that they are.  either way i have plenty of arm span and can scoop up a few more small people who need the lift.

part 4

there are babies coming.  december is full of d-days this year and i really need to get motivated!  i’ve amassed a small library of knitting patterns for the little tots i just need a few extra arms to get the projects completed!  evan and barbara (remember their wedding?) are expecting their first. a boy.  i’m nearly done with his jacket.  now, hats, socks, and maybe a bunting?  i’m inspired to knit for this baby.  i have no fears about gifting that lovely woman woolens because i’m confident she’ll care for them gently.

it’s just a simple jacket with yolk shaping, but i think boys have no need for extra frills.

knitting for our great nephew is somehow challenging me.  they’re a very young couple and, oh… ugh.  i don’t know.  i guess my worst two fears are that the items won’t get use or that they will get use, then tossed in to the wash.  there.  i’m just feeling stuck and guilty and that’s it.

part 5

inspiration came.  now the work.

pattern writing is a GO

 

now for the troubled.

part 1

six school years and she’s already looking like a young woman.  what happened?  when did the years slip away?  my eyes are dry and burning but i’m afraid to blink.  i may loose another ten.

have you ever been brought to your knees?  literally?  you see it in movies and i guess i assumed it was just a device to express the sheer weight of emotion - but it happens.  

alizah was five when she took her first flight to california as an unaccompanied minor.  i was pregnant with mae and did my best to stand strong.  it felt like months passed waiting for her to board and she was excited but very afraid.  i packed a giant bag full of her favorite books, crayons, a cd player, her blanket, some toys, and a photo album with pictures of all of us for her to look at if she felt lonely.  i was shaking when they finally called for boarding but i smiled and put on my it’s-no-big-deal! face and let go of her tiny hand.  as soon as she rounded the corner i broke down.  i buried my face in nate’s chest and let go in quiet sobs.  she called me as soon as she got there and i was completely at ease while she was there visiting her father.  

her return flight was due back in the wee hours so my mother drove me to the airport.  the entire place was quiet and dark.  my mother had to wait on the other side of the locked barricades and i made the long walk to the gate alone.  there were two other women there at different gates reading quietly while they waited.  i just sat and stared out the window.  one plane up.  not alizah.  second plane up.  not alizah.  alone again.  suddenly a dozen or so police men came running up from behind me and out the door my little lady should have been coming through.  then sirens, fire trucks and an ambulance.  more police.  radios chirping and boots pounding past me…  my heart was racing and all i could do was sit there.  no one said a word to me.  finally the plane taxied to the gate.  i stood up and began walking toward the door when it suddenly flung open and i saw little red pigtails from over the rail.  right then i felt my knees give out under me.  i dropped hard.  if i was a glass i would have shattered.  

it’s a terrible feeling - like you have rocks in your chest.

why share this story now?  well, besides realizing my babies are well on their way to growing up faster than i can comprehend we got more very bad news.

part 2

i’ve shared two stories already this year of loved ones we’ve lost to cancer.

yesterday my mother called to see if i had spoken to my aunt or grandmother.  not for a few days.  auntie has been diagnosed at stage 3.  this is hitting me especially hard right now.  let me explain.

1. it will kill my grandmother to see her daughter go through this.  i mean, she’s very strong and i can honestly say she is my #1 role model, she has overcome being a crippled child of the depression era who had to fight and work and be the backbone of her family her entire life and is STILL the most compassionate and giving woman i know - but this is her daughter.  as soon as i thought about her standing by my aunt in this situation, the rocks in my chest were back.

2. my aunt is tied for my #2 role model.  she is the craftiest most talented woman in the family with a singing voice that could bring you to tears.  she taught me to crochet, she was the “weird” one which made me love her that much more because she was eccentric and loved cats and had a laugh you could feel resonate for miles.  most of all, she’s this family’s healer.  she’s got the gift to move energy fields and i’m just gonna say it… she totally used her reiki magic to fix my grandmother’s refrigerator!  

3. i feel like we just went through this and i’m not sure how many more hits i can take.  my first instinct was to get in the car and go home.  i just wanted to be in my grandmother’s arms - i wanted to hold my aunt in mine and i wanted to wish it all away.  my aunt is feeling possitive - i’m not at all suprised.  she’ll do what she can and start the chemo and be bald and proud and her laugh will still resonate and she may just put the smack down on this thing.  she has a world of reiki healers, friends, and family sending their prayers to the heavens and i think she knows as well as i do that if the fight ends on the other side she’s just begining the next chapter.  but…  for now, i’m just not feeling strong.

 

it’s heavy and not really something i normally share, but it’s here.  it’s what’s happening now.  thank you for sharing it with me. xo